hello everyone! It has bee awhile since I have been back here. I am not currently taking photography this year, but I will be posting alot of my writings and such! keep updated! thanks.
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As I stand in the bathroom, I see my pale reflection trembling as my knees go weak. Raindrops glide down the frosted window, the only thing keeping my emotions from escaping the cold cemented room. Sometimes I try so hard to keep everything in, that what I end up doing is getting lost. Inside my own tangled emotions. Although I’m nearly 16 now, I still don’t have a full understanding of life, or what goes on in it. My dreams come and go, as seasons throughout the year; which is why I have lost many of my inspirations. My knees finally give out, and I collapse to the floor with a painful, heart stinging silence. Tears drip to the linoleum as a puddle begins to form below my cheek and my makeup melts from my eyes. Drifting off into an unexpected sleep, I think back to all the times we had together, and all the time we’re running out of. Everything is clustering together, a maze my emotions are all dissolving in. I have no choice but to go back, because if I fall too far forward, all the memories will be gone. In my first memory, I am seven and I’m explaining how I finally got my first loose tooth. It was an exciting, yet, painful experience I will never be able to forget. As I sit on her lap I used my tiny little fingers to wiggle the tooth from side to side, she looked into my mouth, smiled widely and with a chuckle said “well look at that”. Those are words I will never forget, and cry about, because I will never be able to hear them again. Thinking about it now, losing a tooth is like losing a friend, you lose one, and then another one comes in. And in the end you need them for everythi
ng.
Now I’m running up the stairs, picturing myself running away, as the darkness quickly caves in. She said this, he said that, I hate you, I love you….those thoughts run on and on with every step I take as my pace gets faster. As time goes by I lose control, screaming and crying aloud as I burst through my bedroom door. Slamm
ing it behind me I run and leap onto my bed, face first into my silky white pillow. Coughing and gasping for breath in between every heart ache that is causing these tears to soak into my pillow and evaporate. Just like the respect from the ones who made all those cruel comments. Picking up my bags slowly, I sniffle and breathe deeply trying my hardest not to cry. They tease and taunt me while I walk across the room, swinging the door open, while grasping the picture in my other hand. Around two corners, and down the main hall, I ran to the office to see my grandma standing there. My feet came to a stop, and I relax to a walking pace, while my chest is pressured by the force I use to hold the rest of my tears in. We walked towards each other, my arms crossed, hers slowly opening and I ran as fast as I could with the ability to stop myself once I got into her arms. Holding me tight she said “let’s get out of here” and we walked to the car, while I looked down at the picture in my hand. Of my great grandma, that was so close to my heart and no one knew I lost.
My favorite memory of all is such a strong remembrance that I can still smell, and picture everything perfectly. Walking in through the main entrance, I smell the sensational warm combination of cinnamon and sugary sweets. Gently I glide up spiraled the staircase leading to the elevator doors, and with great excitement, I run up to push the button that is the key to opening it. The ring of the bell, the sliding doors, the number of steps I took, are melted in my memory as if they were all happening at this moment. It upsets me to know that with all the pain I go through, she will never be there to run to, to hug me forever and let me cry in her arms. She won’t be there for my 16th birthday, the day I graduate, my wedding, or even be with me when I’m losing my life. Even though I’m heartbroken and often cry myself to sleep, I know that everything happens for a reason, and she went from a caterpillar to a butterfly and flew away, which made me think that forever is just a word people say, that really means not much longer.
Alone and afraid I unsteadily try to regain my strength to get on my feet, as a slide in the puddle of tears that remain on the linoleum. We were supposed to walk together, down this road that leads to my future. Holding hands and singing songs that we wrote in honor of our love that can never be forgotten. Grandma, I miss you and wish you were here right now, your smile, your voice, and your warmth. You’re the hand that guides me through the pain, the light that shines when I’m left in the dark, the butterfly that lands on my finger on a warm summer day. And I love you forever and always. You are my hero and there are no words to describe our love that’s keeping us tied together. Hug me once, sing our songs, and hold my hand as we walk to the future.
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